John Kirsch was an emeritus zoology professor (he had just retired last year) here at the UW, who taught sailing during the summers. He taught me how to sail a Laser, which is my all-time favorite boat. Last summer, he hid the special rainbow sail in a secret place in the boathouse, so that just the two of us could use it and fly our colors. I loved drinking beer with him and hearing his stories about how well his own boat, a Byte, handled out on the lake. He kept wanting to get me out on that thing, but it didn't work out last summer. I was really looking forward to hanging out with him and trying it *this* summer.

But this morning, John died from pancreatic cancer. I only heard a week ago that he was sick--it happened so fast. Apparently he was diagnosed very recently, then treated with chemo...and when that didn't work, he went into Hospice care. That's when I got the news. A week later...gone.

I didn't visit him. I was actually thinking about going tonight, but...it's too late now. I was a coward--afraid to see him dying. But I missed my last chance to tell him that I cared about him, even if I only saw him once or twice a week during the summers. He was so damn cool. He was my friend, and I was his friend, and at the end...I didn't act like one.


Come to think of it...I'm afraid of a lot right now. In almost every aspect of my life, there's fear. I can feel it. So maybe the last thing John had to teach me was that all being scared actually gets you is regret. Thank you for that, John. I'm sorry I couldn't be strong enough to hold your hand and tell you how amazing I think you are, before you had to make that next voyage.


Smitty said something once, in a post to the BSB authors connect list, that I wrote down because I knew I wanted to live it. But I haven't been. Living it, I mean. And I need to. She said:

Whatever is not love, is fear.

Doesn't matter what kind of fear- jealousy, anger, low self esteem, its all fear. It wants you to spend time analyzing it, so you get further away from love, and your own work.

You know what Love feels like. If there is anything else, it is Fear. Sacrifice it, and go back to love.


I'll dedicate my first sail this year to you, John. I know you'll be there with me, somehow, in the wind and the water.

You know what's cool?

Staying up until 4am talking...falling asleep smiling and waking up the same way.

Really, really cool. :)


There are going to be storms today. I can't wait to hear the thunder shine.

So, at long last, Spring has well and truly sprung here in Mad City. It was in the SIXTIES today!! It also happened to be the day when I got to pick up my lovely Trek hybrid from its hard core maintenance session. I've had the bike for four years now, and lots of stuff needed replacing, since I ride it hard when the weather's nice. Needless to say, that was expensive, which is a bummer. But she shifts like a dream now, and it felt SO GOOD to just hop on and ride to campus this afternoon instead of waiting for the bus. If you've met me in person, you know that I have major issues with standing still. Bus-waiting AGGRAVATES me. ;)

I also want to thank Karin, who sent me two songs this morning that are perfect for maniacal bike-riding--"Faster Kill Pussycat" by Paul Oakenfold (feat. Brittany Murphy) and "Feed Your Mind," also by Oakenfold (feat. Spitfire). The latter might be my new theme song: "Last call don't mean nothing at all--hit the after-party, hit the after-party..." ;) And yes, I ride my bike while listening to my iPod. I know it's dangerous. I wear a helmet. *g*

So now I have a question for the peanut gallery: Does anyone else name his/her bicycle? Or motorcycle (Ze and Vic)? Because I like to dub things just on principle (names are potent), and my beauty of a bike does indeed have a name. Which requires a story. Back when Nell was a wee sprout of a gal, she liked to read Brian Jacques's "Mossflower" books. The ones with the warror-mice, ya know? *g* Anyway, young Nell decided that she would combine her passion for Mossflower, Redwall, etc. with her need for speed. So she would go haring down the big hill next to her house in Jersey on her bike, shouting the warrior-mouse war-cry: "Mosssfflooowweeerrrr!!! Redwaaaallllll!!"

One really must wonder what the neighbors thought. At any rate, when I bought this bike four years go, I shared this story with a friend, and we decided that my shiny new toy needed a Mossflower-related name. We picked, appropriately enough (given UW's mascot), the name of one of the cool badgers that make swords: Sunflash the Mace. So there you have it. That's the name of my bike.

And...I'm a dork. ;) That notwithstanding--happy spring, world!

Running With the Wind has been available for just over a week now, and I've already received quite a bit of feedback from many people. I can't even tell you all how much it means to hear reader responses--both overwhelmingly positive and constructively critical.

I'm so proud of the book, and I want to make sure that I publically acknowledge those who helped to make it the success that it is. Jennifer Knight was instrumental in helping me to rewrite my original manuscript into a *much* stronger story. Cindy Cresap helped me hone that story and certain aspects of my style. Julie Greystone's eagle eye was such a gift during the copyediting process. Sheri designed a cover that just keeps blowing my mind, and Radclyffe makes all of the above possible.

I am one heck of a fortunate woman, in so many ways.

Last night, after Lisa and I got home from dinner...there was a box.

I don't...I mean...you dream of something all your life, you know? You dream of it, and then it HAPPENS, and you're holding it, and there is NO FEELING like that in all the world. Ever.



I am so proud, and so happy.

Thank you Lisa, thank you BSB, thank you friends who have become family. This is my book, and it is YOUR book.

So, I realized yesterday that my book cover doesn't exactly "go" with the "Black, White and Red All Over" LJ layout. Because I'm not cool enough to design custom colors, and because there's actually an S2 layout with a name referring to boats...I switched over.

Blends quite nicely, eh? ;)

Maybe I'll switch to something dark and twisty once I'm promoting book number 2, which is full of angst. And angels. And is waaayyyyy too far from completion. *sigh*

I think most if not all of you know this. But...I wrote a book. Actually, this one's my third book, though it's the first to be published. And that's what this post is for...because...um...it's AVAILABLE now. For pre-order. As they say in Grey's Anatomy: SERIOUSLY. ;)

Check it:

http://www.scp-inc.biz/index.asp?PageAction=VIEWPROD&ProdID=804


I am *SO PSYCHED*. I don't even know what else to say. *vbg* If you actually want to, y'know, BUY it, then may I please request that you get it from a local, independent GLBT bookstore? Those places always need patronage. If you don't have a place like that near you, though, the link above connects to SCP, which is a distributor of GLBT books and is the second-best place to go, in my authorial (!!!!) opinion. :D


Also...let me apologize to all for the radio silence. It's been a long, dark winter, but things are finally starting to look up. Soon, the lake will melt and I'll be back out on the water several times a week. That will ROCK.

Speaking of which - if any of you all are hankering to come out to Mad City for a vacation this spring or summer, then Lisa and I have a futon on which you can crash. Just let me know. :)

Off to take a peek at my friend's list, now. Happy March, everyone!

Today was really exciting, because my copies of Lessons in Love arrived from the publisher, in which I have my first ever published piece of writing! It's a short story called "Atropine," and you can find it on page 61. *vvvvbg*

So, today was a lot less productive than I'd wanted it to be, but... sometimes you just have to celebrate, eh? :) I was also lucky enough to get a copy of every BSB May release - apparently that's a perk of being an author. How cool is that?! *bg*

Anywho, I hope everyone else's Ides of May were as good. :)

I can't believe it's taken me this long to put up an announcement here, but life has been *insane* for the past month - I had a conference to organize, and then school finished up... just turned in my final paper yesterday, though, so I'm "free!"

Well, sorta. *g* I have prelims to study for - I'm sure I'll post about them later - but... free enough to finally be able to take care of such things as cleaning up my horridly disorganized desktop, and posting an update on LJ. :)

So. The big news, the BIGGEST news, is that my novel manuscript was accepted exactly *one month* ago for publication by Bold Strokes Books. *vvvvvvvvvbg* It's titled Running With the Wind and is slated to come out in Spring of 2007.

This has been a lifelong dream, as many of you know, and... yeah, I am REALLY, REALLY REALLY psyched!!! :) :) And now that school's done, I can finally turn more attention to edits, which feels good. :)

Anyway, I just wanted to make sure that I made it official on LJ *finally* - it's taken way too long, but life really has been crazy. I hope all of you are well - over the next few days, I'm going to try to get "caught up" on my FL. Sorry I've been so neglectful!

Got my first rejection, of sorts, today. I submitted a scifi story to an anthology several months ago, and never heard back - but the TOC was posted today, and I'm not on it.

I'm not sure whether it's a blessing or a bad thing to not have gotten an official rejection letter. And I already sent the story out to another place, so that's good.

But there you have it, folks, Nell can get rejected. *g* It's not a big deal, but it does rattle a bit. As it should. To have my first three stories accepted - that was amazing. I needed to get rejected sooner or later. Good for humility and not-swelling of the head. *wink*

My second reader still has the novel MS, so I haven't submitted it yet. I'm a little more scared to, now - and a little less scared to. I was fine for the first few days, but now... it's hard to think. Maybe I just need to start writing again. I don't know what's happening to me - I'm intenser than usual at the moment. Maybe it's partly because I'm betaing JD Glass's second novel and it's awesome - really truly gripping. She totally rocks - brilliant writer and really fun person too.

I need to know. I need to know whether I can get a novel published so I can figure out how my life is going to be. Is this really in my future? Do I begin on the path to get access to the "Secret Sanctum" (anybody out there seen Sky High *g*)? Or not? I need to know, and I want to know NOW. Dang impatience. Swear to god if I didn't work out every day the men in white jackets would already be here. *g*

Hard to concentrate. But I have to. Two midterms next week. Latin quiz tomorrow. C'mon, kid. No Limit.

(Anybody else out there ever have times like this?)

In the heat of the night
In the heat of the day
When I close my eyes
When I look your way
When I meet the fear that lies inside
When I hear you say
In the heat of the moment
Say, say, say

Some day, some day, some day, Dominion
Come a time
Some day, some day, some day, Dominion
Some say prayers
Some say prayers
I say mine

Turn Back Time *just* arrived at my front door!

(For those of you who don't know, it's Radclyffe's latest romance - check out BSB's website for details)

Now. I have papers to grade and translating to do, ESPECIALLY since Lisa and I spent all day yesterday editing my ms - I'm serious, she spent 8 hours reading it and doing track changes,and then I spent a few more accepting/rejecting changes. UNREAL. And now it's off to another beta, and then it'll come back and I'll do final changes and holy COW I am really, really close to that moment where you gotta "hit Send" and that is going to be CRAZY.

But... the book. It's here. Like, on the coffee table. My fingers itch. And here I was going to go out on the town and party on with green beer tonight, but... it seems very, very likely that I will instead stay indoors and readreadreadreadread.

I'm going to try not to read ahead, even though I know Rad doesn't mind. But still. But... it's right there... coffee table... oh man...

*goes insane*

(I love being an obsessive NUTCASE)

Well, after a fashion.

The writing is done. I'm surprised at myself, actually - this novel is not very long, and I'm used to being verbose. Maybe all the short fiction I've been writing lately has been rubbing off. But the story is told, and there remains "only" editing.

Only. It's a big job. But I tend to write pretty polished drafts (because I edit as I go), and so my betas and I don't think this will take too long. I want to try to push toward getting a lot of the edits done by the end of break (Sunday) because I've been neglecting school for this book, and I need to have it OUT of my hands in order to concentrate on the end of the semester insanity.

...haha, that sounded good, didn't it? The real reason? I'm an impatient Stupid. I want to know *now*. Even if the answer is "no." Though... if the answer is no, then I really will be devastated. I'll get over it and move on - this is a good story, and I'm pretty confident that I can find a house that will take it. But I, hero-worshipping young child that I am, have a very specific publisher in mind.

Guess I fall hard.

Lisa is being a saint about this, really. She's read the last few chapters very carefully; she's even rewritten a few parts. She is my rock. A very pretty, very soft rock.

So. We shall see. I feel hope, and it scares me. But regardless of what happens, I finished writing my third novel today. Third time's the charm? Heaven knows the first one is (adorably) horrid, and the second I now view as more autobiography... it'll be cannibalized someday.

(And this is a really good song. You remain my power, my pleasure, my pain...)

Sheesh, I haven't posted in eons. And I haven't looked at my FL in longer. Sorry, everybody!

Spring break is 'round the corner (Friday afternoon at 5, Friday afternoon at 5, Friday afternoon at 5 *g*), and I'm hoping to get a jump on a lot of homework during that week, so... maybe things will be less crazy.

Anyway! School is still psycho, but that's nothing new. One thing that *is* new is that I now have three stories accepted to three various anthologies - Erotic Interludes 3 (published by BSB), After Midnight (published by Cleis), and Wild Nights (published by Bella). This all feels very surreal.

I'm also in the final push to finish up a novel manuscript and send it out within the next month. That's a rush job, for sure - but this story wants *out*. It's like when you have a big tooth coming in behind the little tooth, you know? Not that this novel is a "little tooth..." I mean, maybe it's a little tooth... I dunno... *g*

But that's what's going on. I've essentially turned into a social hermit because the women on the GCLS chat list are so damn fun that I'd rather hang out with them than most people I know in real life. That's okay - beer is cheaper when you don't buy it out at the bars. ;)

Ellie: congrats on Knox! I talked to Britt last weekend.
Lizzie: our birthdays are soon! What can I get ya? *g*
Sarah: 'sup 'sup 'sup, dude? ;)
Ze: congrats about After Midnight yourself. And... it sounds like you had a pretty sweet weekend. *eg*
Jean: was Austin very fun? It looked fantastic!

All for now - you guys rock!

Saw "Rent" today.

It was fucking amazing.

Lisa and I sat there with tears streaming down our faces for a good part of the film... sometimes sad tears, sometimes overwhelmed tears - and fortunately, happy tears at the end.

Still, though - we were all busted up and drained when we walked out of the theater. I saw it on broadway when I was 18, and even though I didn't know shit about anything back then, I still stand by my description of that musical as "raw."

So goddamn beautiful, though. I mean, you can't leave that film without knowing what's really important. Love. Living for now.

Yet another thing to be grateful for, this weekend.

It's been a week and a half now, but I still can't believe that one of my short stories has been accepted to BSB's Lessons in Love anthology. That come May, I'll be a published author.

A published author.

I feel like I'm waking up. Like I have ambitions now - tangible ones. Dreams I can actually conceive of as realities - dreams of hitting the ground running with this writing thing. Of having several short stories accepted in the next half year, and of getting a novel slated for publication by April... of bursting onto the lesfic scene like a supernova. Or something similarly hyperbolic.

Dreams feel so good. If I can just manage to hang on through this slump in school - if I can just remember that the more I learn, the better I'll write - I should be able to make this work. To wear both my daytime and nighttime faces with... well, if not grace, then at least competence.

So. Old Norse homework. And then writing. It's time to do this.


I could be so much more than this... I wanna be so much more than this...